Dear Snowball,
I need to dump my boyfriend. But I’ve never dumped anyone before. How do I do it?
Thanks,
Trapped

Dear Trapped,
Trapped is definitely something you are not. Unless he is blackmailing you into staying with him, there’s always a way out. And I’m always here to help. Here is how to dump your boyfriend, based on personality types.

1. The Jerk:  He’s a jerk. Don’t feel bad. Let it out, sister! In fact, get your revenge by making him think that he has you in his hand, and blindside him by pulling a Mr. Hyde. Tell him it’s over. Tell him WHY it’s over. This is your chance to show him all of his horrible qualities and why he’s the worst boyfriend ever. Maybe you’ll even make him see the error of his ways and change him so that the next girl doesn’t have to get hurt the way you did. HA! Yeah, right. Boys don’t change. Get rid of him.
2. The Smother…er:  He’s a little-okay a lot-overbearing. Gets jealous if a guy writes on your wall, texts you at 1, 3, and 5 AM saying he’s thinking of you, gets mad if you don’t hang out with him every night…Yeah, that’s gotta go. But if he’s smothering you he obviously likes you a lot, and there’s no reason to be mean. Tell him that he’s a great guy, but you don’t think he’s the right guy for you. I don’t think you should call him out on his smotheringness, because the next girl he dates may like it. Just let him go easy, but no ambiguity. Better to rip the band-aid off than keep him thinking that you may change your mind.
3. The Clinger: Very similar to the smotherer, except jealousy and middle of the night texting isn’t really his problem. He needs to hang out with you all the time, and when you’re out with other people he needs to stick next to you at all times. He needs to know what you’re doing at all times. The clinger doesn’t give you any space, and he needs to go. Let him go the same way as a smotherer, but be warned. The clinger will probably put up more of a fight. Don’t back down because of his pleas, or you’ll be back to square one. The most important rule of dumping is to be firm, because if you’re not, you haven’t accomplished anything.
4. The Stoic:  No emotion. He’s “cool” with whatever you want to do. No romance, no effort. How did you even start dating him in the first place? Honestly, just do it. Just tell him it’s not working out. He probably won’t care.
5. The Bad Boy: Mmm, the bad boy. Every girl secretly loves a bad boy. Hard to get. Inexplicably permanent and perfect stubble. Great body. Mysterious, but not sketchy. The excitement that of all girls, he chose you. But, much like the guy’s rule with easy girls, you want to date them, not marry them. It was a fun ride, but now you’re ready to get serious and it’s just not going to happen with him. He’s not going to like sweetness or saying that you can still be friends. Be aloof about it, like its no big deal. “It’s been fun, but I want to break up.” Go your separate ways. Tell your kids about the amazingly sexy bad boy you dated in college. Everyone’s happy.
6. The Perfect Guy: He’s good looking. Sweet as anything. Really cool. Great dresser. Reliable, loyal, honorable, and smart, but not in-your-face smart. Everything about him is perfect- but you’re just not feeling it. It happens! It’s not anybody’s fault, sometime a person can be great in theory and it just doesn’t work in person. Don’t guilt yourself into continuing to date him because there’s no real reason to break up with him– you not feeling it is the most real reason. You can’t stay with someone because you have no reason not to, you stay with him because you can’t imagine yourself without him. So break up with him, but for all of our sakes, do it nicely. Make sure you let him know that it’s not him, that he’s really a great guy; you’re just not feeling it for you. Because why let him think that he did something wrong and ruin him for all of the rest of us? This guy that you’re letting go is somebody else’s perfect guy, just the way he is. And if he’s really a perfect guy, he’s a little sensitive but doesn’t show it to anyone else other than their significant other. So don’t let him think that he’s not great the way he is. Let him go easy, and because he’s so great, maybe you guys can still be friends.

Now I just want to clarify: these types of guys in general do not HAVE to be dumped. I’m only offering advice as to why someone would dump them and how to. But for some girls, the bad boy can be the perfect husband (bad boys need wives too!). Some girl might love it when a guy smothers her. Same goes for any other of the guys listed. There IS someone for everyone. Good luck on your dumping adventure, and better luck next time.
Till next time,
Snowball