The Death of Common Sense
A place to mourn, reflect, and resurrect our forgotten friend.
Curiously eying the elaborate profiles on YU Connects accounts, you get the impression that modern Jews view their potential dates like a wedding. Of course, I hearken back to the days when girls would sit around and plan their weddings, eagerly mapping out each detail with surgical precision. Everything had to be perfect down to the last point, for an event that would change history. The wedding was viewed as the culmination of years of practice, not settling for anything less than total perfection. But today, alas that idea is no more. Nowadays, men and women convert the hours of preparation into a neatly packed list for the person they are looking to marry. And this list blows up a match before it even begins.
Some say opposites attract while others believe in similar interests. The truth, though, is that we can never know with certainty. Only Hashem knows our beshert. We can make mile-long lists, filled with schemes and plots, but it is ultimately futile. Have you ever happened upon a couple that makes you wonder “How did they end up together?” Something must have clicked on a deeper level; one that we cannot truly understand. How many times have you turned someone down because they don’t match your list – the superficial requirements based on conjecture and whim? Maybe it’s time that you raze the list, to begin anew with no preconceived ideals and conclusions. Allow me to explain.
A list can’t teach you about a person’s middot, the ins and outs of a person’s internal makeup. It cannot teach you about their inner person, that which lies beneath the outer glitter and shine. It also cannot teach you about a person’s true beliefs. Every once in a while, a list may occasionally let slip something internal, but never fully. The perfect person could be out there, waiting, with you having already rejected them. But why – simply because the person did not go to a particular school in Israel or, perhaps, since they went off the derech at a certain age? Are these real reasons to discard a match ordained by heaven?
Allow me to clarify: going off the derech is not genetic and is most certainly not an addiction like drugs or alcohol. It vexes me beyond belief when a person is instantly shot down for having gone off the derech at an earlier point in their life. We should reserve judgment until understanding why and how it happened. Each case should be judged separately, on its own accord. You don’t know the circumstances, and we mustn’t judge until knowing. Dan l’kaf zechut, give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
A person’s past is far from definitive and should most certainly not be used to break ‘the list.’ There is a reason it’s called the past, it happened and life has moved on. We all have one, and we all have decisions we regret. And, in many ways, mistakes made in the past improve who we are today. We learn from them and move on; people grow and change. A person at age 18 is usually not the same as they are now, religiously and maturely, and requires time to grow into their full selves. No wine connoisseur would question a bottle’s history, assuming it turns out fine in the end.
An amazing first date should also not be on the list. While a flawless first date may be nice, you must keep in mind that both parties are generally nervous. Most people can barely be themselves on the first date, let alone stop from slipping and saying something stupid. Yet I’ve seen both guys and girls throw each other to the wind because of an imperfect first experience. I’ve heard the worst excuses for someone to never go on a second date, all going back to the list. “He was too outgoing, what guy does that on a first date? Taste test 13 pieces of cake? Nuts!” “When she smiles, she shows too much gum line.”
If people can find the dumbest reasons to stay in a relationship, can we get rid of the asinine reasons to not have them? Be reasonable. Understand that some people might not have as much dating experience as you. Understand that this is a world full of diversity. We are all Jews, first and foremost. Stop trying to nitpick – “He is not able to afford a Lexus!” REALLY?! REALLY?! That is on your list? How is being able to afford a Lexus going to bring you happiness? It is the personality and values that bring true happiness in a marriage. I understand the idea of financial security, but get real – the ability to afford a Lexus does not translate into financial security.
Now it’s time for some advice. For you, ladies, I think it’s time to give the ‘other’ guy a chance. Don’t be too quick to judge. It seems that most girls are willing to throw a guy to the curve because he doesn’t have the hat. Just because you wear a hat doesn’t mean you hold the ideals behind it. Another reason the guy may not come from the same religious upbringing. Learn to appreciate the diversity that they can bring to the relationship. Maybe he doesn’t make it to minyan every day, that’s not something to disqualify, as long as he’s making an effort to be there. Sometimes people can’t always make it to minyan. What’s important is that the guy davens everyday. The qualities above are often nice to have but should not be deal breakers. Additionally, some guys need that extra shove from a woman for encouragement. Most guys may never admit it, but often it is the woman that makes the man.
For men, I think it’s time that we get real too. You don’t deserve a Victoria Secret model, and the odds are that you’re not going to get one. You should look for someone beautiful to you, but be realistic – it’s all make up and lighting in the movies anyway. Look beyond the physical toward the spiritual. The gemara says that the woman sets the tone of spirituality in the house. This is the first thing you should look for. You may not be ready to have kids, but you should at least look for a woman whose spiritual values match how you want your kids to be raised. In the end, the spiritual strength they embody will be acquired from their mothers, not you.
How can you read a person’s values from a piece of paper, or even an Internet profile? They barely tell you about their personality, and especially not about their true beliefs. Just because a man doesn’t wear a black hat does not mean that he is less religious than the one that does. Religion is inside of you, in your heart, your soul first and foremost, dress code aside. Obviously, the way you dress says something about you and I don’t intend to argue that people are oblivious to what they wear. I’m just saying that it does not reveal everything about you. It barely scratches the surface.
Perhaps you have someone that you consider a friend but you know, deep down, they want more. Yet you keep them at bay. And who knows, they may be the right one all along. After all, they have been your friend this long; they probably know some of your lesser publicized habits. But for some foolish reason, they don’t fit your list, make the fictional cut. Stop worshipping at the ‘Fane of The List’ and be real with yourself and the other person.
So I’m asking everyone, men and women alike, blow the list up! Give a chance to someone you may have overlooked or not taken seriously. Only Hashem knows if they are your beshert. And while G-d works his magic, you go on a date.
On a last note, it is okay to cautiously use the list as a tentative guide. But like everything in life, sometimes you forget things, you outgrow them, or you discover that there was something missing, something you never thought you would need or even want. Every date has something to teach you, so embrace it and make it meaningful.