I was standing in a friend’s house a couple of weeks ago on a shabbos morning, schmoozing with him after a nice homey kiddush. A bunch of people had stopped by, and the conversation came around to one of our mutual friends. Being the therapist of the bunch, I often get the “I’m concerned about so and so.” Or the “I heard that so and so’s marriage aint all that.” Usually it’s just yenting, but occasionally it is something real. This fellow happens to be very sincere, and I happened to know about the third party’s stresses as of late.
“Well, he is on medication,” says my friend. “That’s good,” I said. “That should bring him up to baseline, so he can really work on good coping skills in therapy.” “Thera-what?” my friend asked. “He’s not in therapy?” I replied. “Nope, his primary care gave him a scrip for anti anxiety medication, and it concerns me that he is only taking that, and not really working on his issues.”
Now my friend was quite perceptive. Prescription drugs are a pet peeve of mine, especially the potentially addictive anti-anxiety and anxiolytics, giving people a false sense of wellness without proper therapy. It’s a crutch without a cast. It helps the person get through their day without any permanent solution, and eventually the tolerance goes up, along with the dosage. Not a good scenario.
But as Peter Griffin says, I digest. What was really incredible was that this fellow was willing to go to a physician, tell them he was anxious, and get medication, but was not willing to go to therapy. I was kind of blown away by this idea. When I asked my friend about it, he told me that this fellow explained that he takes medicine for his anxiety, and it’s just like taking aspirin for a headache. I have symptoms of stress, I treat them, and it’s all good. Therapy, however, is a whole different type of herring (I was at a kiddush, I need to use proper metaphors). He bristled at the idea. “What, do you think I’m crazy? I just have a lot of stress! Do you know what my life is like?” and on and on. Wow. Someone needs to pop a Xanax.
In an article in the fall 2007 issue of the Journal of Counseling & Development, David L. Vogel, Stephen R. Wester, and Lisa M. Larson discuss five factors why people avoid of therapy. Although I think it’s important to be cognizant of all of them, I would like to focus on the one I have most experienced, self esteem.
We are constantly seeking help. When we go shopping we ask a sales person for advice. When we feel sick, we generally go to a doctor. When we seek to go into a profession, we seek education. However, when it comes to understanding ourselves and our emotions, we seem to shrink away from seeking help. At first glance it seems that asking another person for help as to how to think or be introspective is not on our radar screen.
However, I think it may go deeper than that. The above quoted article makes the following statement. “Fisher, Nadler, and Whitcher-Alagna (1982) suggested that seeking help from another entails an implicit analysis of the costs and benefits to one’s self-esteem. Seeking help from another to some degree means admitting that one cannot deal with the problem on one’s own and, as such, can be an admission of inadequacy (Fisher et al., 1982). Thus, a person may decide not to seek help in order to maintain a positive self-image (Miller, 1985).”
Turns out that it is very much on our radar screen, but to avoid it, not to seek it. Here is how we get to the honey badger. You see, the honey badger, or Mellivora capensis, as it is known, is one of the world’s most fearless animals, or so has been quoted in the name of the Guinness Book of Records. In fact, this animal has become a sensation on the Internet. Although I do not suggest watching the YouTube video, as it has a lot of bad language (I will wait while you look at it), I would look up the Wikipedia page. This thing is crazy. Okay, I did watch the video. This thing freaking eats a cobra and gets bitten by it. It passes out from the poison, and then wakes up, stumbles over to the cobra in a drunken stupor and eats some more! It sticks its head in bees’ nests. The main reason is because it has incredible defenses. Skin which is almost impossible to pierce yet is loose enough that the animal can twist away if caught. A skull that is incredibly thick and is one solid piece makes it almost impossible to kill with anything other than a point blank shot to the head. This is one bad mama jama and it knows it.
We prefer to think of ourselves like that. What we don’t realize is that our coping mechanisms, as well as our motivations for actions and emotional reactions are learned, not innate. Of course there are some drives that are automatic, like the will to live, but how those drives translate into action are learned and adapted to fit our world. Sometimes we learn wrong lessons. Sometimes we have thought distortions that cause us to look at our world in a way which is actually maladaptive and causes us much pain. We need to relearn and reframe those thoughts and the processes behind them to make ourselves well and happy. That is what therapy is for.
As children we learn deep lessons about security, love, relationships and many other things we need to be healthy in our day to day life. If we don’t have that security as a child, we learn the world is a crazy and unpredictable place. We are anxious and worried. We are depressed because we don’t know what the next minute or tomorrow brings. Imagine a child who has to take care of a parent who is a drug addict. Imagine that child learns from a young age, say six, that if they don’t do it, it won’t get done. Imagine the anxiety that the parentification of that child brings. It can be and often is agonizing. Not surprisingly, they often become addicts themselves, just to dull the worry they constantly live with.
In this same Shabbat day conversation my friend and I discussed another mutual friend as well (I told you there was yenting involved). This particular friend is a real tough guy. We are talking guns and hunting and motorcycles. He also has some nice issues with inadequacy. He wonders if he is a good parent and takes that out on his children by being authoritarian. His children hate him, which starts the cycle all over again. It’s very sad. My friend told me that he would never go to therapy because he believes it makes him vulnerable.
The truth is that it is the very opposite. Right now he is vulnerable. He does not have the proper coping mechanisms and self perception. He is controlled by impulse of lessons learned long ago. In essence what makes him feel in control is actually him being out of control.
When someone goes to school to learn how to be surgeon they don’t say, “Pshaw, I don’t need to learn how to do that! I’ll just take this knife right quick and cut this guy open. I’ve been playing operation for years!” No. If they were to walk into the operating room with no knowledge and no ability to positively affect the patient they are incredibly vulnerable. Vulnerable to the environment, vulnerable to the possible chaos, vulnerable to chance. They would not know what to do. It is only when they learn the trade that they can walk in and know what to do, how to manage, what skills to put in place.
It is very much the same in life. We need to learn about ourselves. Why we feel certain emotions stronger at some times than others, why certain things can trigger anxiety or depression. We are vulnerable to these things if they are of an intensity which affects our daily lives regularly. Sometimes it is good enough to have a friend to talk to who knows you and can give feedback. However, more often than not we need a professional therapist who can teach us about ourselves, and allow us to become a greater version of who we already are.
A good therapist is often like the president of the hair club for men. Not only are they a therapist they are also a client. I am certainly like that. I have become a better person for it, and let me tell you, I would take that over being a honey badger any day.