Most people would agree that domestic abuse is an issue that plagues many families. According to the American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence, about 15-25 percent of families will experience some form of abuse. The American public is just beginning to understand that this abuse can happen at the hands of women as well as men (about 15 percent of all abuse is suffered by men); however, many people are still clinging to the false notion that these occurrences are limited to the “low class.” Perhaps you believe it is a problem of those with low socio-economic status, of poor education, or of low religious commitment. Here is the startling truth: domestic abuse happens in every pocket of society, regardless of economic, educational, and religious boundaries. American Jewry is unfortunately turning a blind eye to the reality of the situation: the frequency in their communities is exactly the same as the national average, regardless of level of religiosity.

That said, statistically speaking, the majority of those who affiliate with the Jewish community know someone who is suffering from abuse. Why then is it such a taboo and under-recognized issue? The answer lies within the very values that tie Jews together. Shalom bayit or a peaceful home is a value taught to most Jewish girls from a very young age. To find a good husband and raise good children is something many young women feel pressured to do. To build and maintain a perfect home is paramount and to fail to do so is a shanda ve’busha—a shame and embarrassment. Many Jews today try to maintain the old-fashioned values, but it can be to their own detriment. Here are the terrifying facts collected by the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA): Jewish women tend to stay in abusive relationships two to three times longer than those in the general population. Generally, a non-Jewish woman will stay for three to five years; within the Jewish community those numbers rise to a whopping seven to 13 years.

The problem becomes twofold when the external factors are considered. For obvious reasons I cannot describe with much detail those whom I know who have suffered domestic abuse, either through my work with JCADA or from personal encounters, but consider the woman who went to her rabbi and confided that her husband physically abused her, only to be told that she should stay with him to maintain shalom bayit. Or another woman whose husband had subjected her to intense financial abuse (giving her a miniscule stipend and monitoring her every purchase, under threat of punishment if misspent), who when she confided to her mother was told that it was the man’s job to handle the finances as he saw fit. Or the thousands of other faceless women who are in our communities right now, staying quiet, with no forum through which to gain relief.

The silence must be broken. Rabbis who believe their congregations could not possibly be the home of such behavior need to open their eyes. The issue magnifies itself by nature; people believe abuse does not happen in the Jewish community and so when a woman experiences it she feels even more alone and isolated. Rather than denying the truth or hiding behind the precepts of shalom bayit, our communities must openly acknowledge that there are those in need, and take steps to help them.

My own work at JCADA as an intern was focused on writing programming geared toward children and teenagers to help them recognize the signs of abuse, and teach them the appropriate responses and possible consequences. Many people questioned me as to why JCADA felt it necessary to expose children to such unpleasant realities. The answer is that it is both an investment for their future, as well as their present. Patterns of abuse are indeed beginning to emerge in relationships among younger partners. Additionally, education about abuse needs to come early and often. Of course I hope that none of the wide-eyed children I saw doing our activities in camp will need to use the strategies contained therein, but hoping does not change the reality. Fighting ignorance with more ignorance will not solve the issue.

We must educate our children as well as our communities. Jewish families do experience the horrible effects of domestic abuse, but there are steps that can be taken. Shalom bayit does indeed have beauty and merit to it but not to the exclusion of all else. If you or someone you know is in need of help, you can reach out. The resources are there and the support does exist.

To find resources near you, check out http://www.jwi.org/page.aspx?pid=1271 for a by-region directory.