Straight No More

Homosexuality is the new Black. Take up the causes and show off to the world just how progressive you are with your pink attire and lambda tattoos. Everyone will think you’re swimming against the tide of homophobia that’s so rampant in a corrupt government. You’ll be just like the news, a champion of justice, a paragon of freedoms and rights. Nobody will even think to question that you’re a privileged white who knows nothing about the struggle of a marginalized group. You’re educated. You understand the pain of the suffering people. You have a symbolic ribbon plastered to the rear bumper of your car that lets everybody know tolerant you are. 

Matthew Inman, author of The Oatmeal, prophesizes that the next generation will be startled by how bigoted this generation turned out to be, just as this generation was startled by how racist the previous generation was. This is a problem that shouldn’t wait until the future, when Inman ends up correct. This is a problem that must be solved now. If you eat brussel sprouts every day, you’ll learn to tolerate them, even if you hated them when the process first began. Clearly, the solution to solving same sex rights is to have everybody couple up into same sex pairings for part of their lives. In this way, a queer lifestyle will be visible to every man, woman, and in between.

Isn’t that the purpose of an event like a pride parade, a community event that releases pent up homosexuality in a flurry of rainbow floats, with men and women wearing far less clothing than should ever be deemed appropriate by a straight society? When that kind of thing is in the street, right in front of your face for a full day of marching and singing, you have to pay attention to it. Yes, the men are certainly giving one another looks that might make you a little awkward, and the women seem a bit too comfortable with their bodies, but it’s all for the sake of promoting rights and freedoms.

In the future, the straight Whites can expect to have some of their freedoms taken away as a result of such acceptance and unity. Just as actors wearing Blackface are condemned for racism, so too actors who fake homosexual tendencies shall be criticized. Only actors who can prove that they are gay or lesbian will be allowed to star in the roles intended for them, while the straight male and female continue to play the leads. It will be a dark day when a straight man can no longer put on a scarf, talk with a lisp, and flail about his limp wrist.

But it won’t be all gloom and doom for the non-gay culture. In time, acceptance will cause segregation to disappear. There will no longer be separate proms for straight and gays. Electing a new prom queen might cause some snickering at first, but high school students will learn to treat one another as equals, just as they have done with issues of skin. Straight/gay couplings will result from exposing youth to gay culture, and together they will create the next generation, the one that looks at their grandparents and remarks on how homophobic the elderly are.

It will certainly be a better time for all of mankind, and womankind as well, when the gender- bending confusion of same sex marriage is resolved. Like it did after the feminist revolution, society will throw away gender specific terms and replace them with happier, more neutral terms. Remember when they were called policemen, instead of police officers? What a glorious improvement to colloquial speech. Terms like “husband” and “wife” will become antiquated relics. Gleefully we will celebrate the uniting of “spouse” and “mate” as she and she take their vows under the wedding tent. When he puts the ring on his mate’s finger, we will tear up and cry, and proclaim that never has there been a society so accepting as the current.

With the homosexual conundrum put aside, society will be free to focus on the next bit of inequality that governs the social norm. It can tackle the issue of women being unable to get jobs that pay as well as men, even though women have equal credentials in the modern era. Or how about helping poor black communities in Chicago rise out of the gutters, and do away with drug wars? Once the hidden gay agenda is out of the closet, it will be much easier to focus on the obvious and troubling truths that plague our kitchens and crack houses. While important, neither could have possibly been addressed before we came to love each other as only the gays can love.

We’ll have spent enough time dealing in secrets that such plain things like gender and race will have simple solutions. Somebody who is called a nasty name for having a different tone of skin? Have him married off to the insulter, and watch the hate turn to love. Know of a straight couple that can’t stop bickering? Split them up, and have them marry their gender equals. There will never be another argument. It shall be a glorious, prosperous future in which nobody is discriminated against for one’s looks or one’s sexual orientation.

There are more benefits to equality than happier homes and hugs in the street. The population criss will be solved, with fewer opposite sex pairings forming and polluting the world with offspring. Countries like China and India that pride themselves on having males won’t have to worry about finding spouses for their kids – everybody is a potential mate when you’re living the gay way.

The tide of bullying will be stemmed when the bigger children run out of slurs to use. How can they taunt the weaker students when words like “faggot” and “queer” become common parlance? There’s nothing threatening about standing over somebody else, and calling them a stupid straight person. It just sort of lacks creativity for an insult. By taking away the choicest of words, bullies can be expected to vanish overnight.

It shall truly be a world of harmony, free of discrimination and free of inhibition. How wonderful to see that, thanks to the warnings of Matthew Inman, we can avoid the mockery the racist generation experienced. It will only take a few easily implemented and no doubt widely accepted rules. After all, activists are already quite eager to fight for the gay cause.

Daniel Kaiserman is an openly gay Modern Orthodox Jew who doesn’t see why this needs to be a big such an issue.