Female Sexuality: A Wife’s Letter to the Editor

I never thought I would write something to the Beacon. In fact, I have, in the past, even refused to read certain posted articles because I didn’t want to have to join the conversation. Mostly, I find the hype annoying. But I needed to respond to this article.

Yes, I am anonymous. I have chosen to keep my name secret for many reasons, but not because I am embarrassed about what I have to say. In fact, I have privately told many friends what I am about to tell you. I believe that this conversation is of the utmost importance.

I didn’t even know what female masturbation was until my second year at Stern. My initial reaction was, like many Orthodox girls, one of revulsion. Guys are not supposed to masturbate and neither should women. We, just like men, should save our bodies for marriage. It was only once I was married that I realized the mistake I had made.

My husband and I were both completely shomer our whole lives. He never had an opportunity to learn what it takes to bring a woman to sexual fulfillment. I had never tried on my own. When it came time for us to be together, neither of us knew what to do. We have been married for many months, and I still have not been fully satisfied. My husband loves me and wants nothing more than to pleasure me, but I don’t know how to direct him. We have been getting better and better at it, with help from some fantastic books, understanding doctors, and patience. But this difficulty has definitely caused stress and tension in our lives. We have a fantastic, open, and loving relationship, but this issue has been a huge challenge in our marriage.

I can’t help but think that I could have avoided this confusing situation had I just had the courage to practice.

I also know, from conversations with various doctors, that I am not the only Orthodox girl who has encountered these problems. I wish I could go over to each one of them and let them know that there is someone like them. It is an isolating, broken feeling to think that I am the only idiot that can’t figure out how to find pleasure. I mean, this seems childish, right?

I once wanted to be pure and save that special and powerful experience for my husband. But now that I waited, I feel lost.